Change the world or go home...

I want to do so much more than just exist, but i lack enthusiasm in a town that's so cold and grey.

I wish i could just move to the seaside now and forget the uni course, 2 years more of this stress really doesn't feel sufficient for a bit of posh paper and a couple of letters after my name... Not to mention the £21,000 worth of debt i'll be burdened with.

My feet want to wander the world, my brain wants to learn so much, and my heart wants to love new things. There's nothing here for me but lack of faith in people, myself and my will power.

Not feeling too positive today, so think i'll stay him until i feel better, hopefully Matthew will text back and come up for film watching fun.

I had a good beatdown from my friend Rose yesterday, i'm glad i have her in my life to tell me when i'm being a dick. We were walking around Sainsburys and were trying to find something i could have for lunch and i came out with a ridiculous thought after we were talking about dieting, i just burst out with maybe i could cut the amount i eat by half. She then pointed out i don't exactly eat much - then i realised i only really eat fruit, yoghurts and tofu with veg, yeahhh, maybe not a good idea. I wish i could go to the gym or something, my mind always thinks of ways to cheating me out of eating because i have this stupid image in my head i can never be, simply because my bones will never shrink... It's really stupid, because it'll just make me tired at uni and work and will make my general life suck, but the thoughts just crop up, like sometimes i challenge myself to not eat till a few hours from midday and see how far i get, but i always bail by about 1pm/2pm, which i'm glad. Guess i just get sick of being the bigger one of my friends, i'm not saying i'm fat, not at all, but i'm tall and wide and i do have podgy bits i hate. My friends constantly tell eachother how skinny they are and it makes me feel like shit. When people poke me i feel really upset inside if they poke a podgy bit of me. Argh, i know i should feel lucky, like i said in other posts, but sometimes appearance gets you down regardless. And i know it's stupid. But i'm just a girl and this is what us girls are like. I think i go through self depreciation a lot because i'm on my own and don't have a person telling me i look okay or something. Or i'm just being ridiculous.

I miss that side to a relationship; when you're being complimented all the time. It's just not the same when friends do it. I'm trying to build up my confidence by myself, but times like these when i'm not in a good mood just send me off in silly tangents about my appearance and etc. I'm not even gonna go onto anything else or i'll get bitch slapped by Em or someone for being such a muppet. But yeah. 

Let’s get out of this country
I’ll admit I am bored with me
I drowned my sorrows and slept around
When not in body at least in mind
We’ll find a cathedral city
You can convince me I am pretty

We’ll pick berries and recline
Let’s hit the road dear friend of mine
Wave goodbye to our thankless jobs
We’ll drive for miles maybe never turn off
We’ll find a cathedral city you can be handsome I’ll be pretty

What does this city have to offer me
Everyone else thinks it’s the bee’s knees
What does this city have to offer me?
I just can’t see
I just can’t see

Let’s get out of this country
I have been so unhappy
Smell the Jasmine my head was turned
I feel like getting confessional
We’ll find a cathedral city you can convince me I am pretty

What does this city have to offer me
Everyone else thinks it’s the bee’s knees
What does this city have to offer me
I just can’t see
I just can’t see

I'm feeling despondent tonight, i'm really not with it. I'm wrapped up in thoughts.

Thinking a lot about uni too, if it's the right thing for me, if i can cope. I'm having a meltdown in my head. I'm too stressed to even think about projects. I have a presentation to do tomorrow and not a clue what to say. I also have to do a powerpoint presentation, an essay, a written speech and research for polaroid- the original camera. I then also have all my other projects to run alongsie, plus another presentation on friday. I dunno know whether to scream or cry or just pretend i don't care. None of those options produce any work. Alls i can think about is when i get a break in xmas from it all... And then i'll be working.

I just feel like my life is merging into habit over love for doing things. I hate my routine i've adopted and adapted to... I am so confused with this life. What i want from it. What i can give to people. I'm just so stuck. I feel like i'm split in two. I have to massively differentiating personalities that both want to seal the deal for the futures they want. I just don't know which one.

I keep spending money because i'm feeling crappy. Buying myself things is tlc. For now, less money spending, less time with friends, more doing uni stuff out of uni hours,

I love House of Cards by Radiohead, so nice to wake up to :)

I still am undecided on what to do for my birthday. My dad doesn't wanna do the beach because he's lesser of than usual, heh, nice. Oh well, least he didn't say yes and just be miserable on the day. I need to get some brown natural hair for when my hair is dreaded up, otherwise it wont be long enough to tie back for work. I've not even told Rita at work that i'm dreading my hair. In all honesty depends how much it'll cost. I have a rough idea. I wanna go to the beach so, so bad :( i wish i knew someone who have a 5seater car that was one of my best friends, i can o nly think of Rose from uni, but i feel mean asking her because we're friends, she's my closest friend on my course in fact, but were just not, close close friends, yanno?

Idealy, i'd love to go to Fal for the day, but with 4-5 hrs travel to get there, then the same back, i'm doubting anyone would wanna do that, plus, travelling most my birthday would kinda blow, even though i love travelling via trains, plus, in the winter, the trains don't operate as frequently, so we probably couldn't get back the same day. Part of me thinks, fuck it, lets jsut camp there... But then no-one else i know had a student railcard. You can travel in group tickets though. I think four people can go as a group... or three... I dunno. I just wanna do osmething special. It's my 21st, yanno? I dunno. I just don't think visiting another city would really make my birthday special. Plus, if i'm getting dreads, i can't buy a lot if and when i go to the city :/ Plus i'm going to Brum in like less than a month to see Regina with my girliewhirl. Plus i'm thinking of going to Brum/London next week for a gallery visit or two and some vintage shopping, which wouldn't be any good on my birthday... Oh humphhhh... help me think of something, i'm clueless.

Arggghhh... i wish i could drive by now :( So frustrating. Least next year i could drive somewhere :) Yes yes.

We are so fucking lucky. I watch so many sad things on tv when i feel rubbish; it makes me appreciate life. That Gok guy did a programme on this woman who wanted to get married but wouldn't go through with it because she's had a breat removed and felt inadequate. How horrible to be so ashamed of such a great survival, but to know how greatful you are that you're alive, yet still be so disappointed that you've lost a part of your body; and with that lost the feeling of being a woman. Every time she cried in it, i was chomping down on my lip so as not to cry for her. What an inspiring woman.

It's amazing how much i complain about how i look, i'm so lucky in actual fact. I'm not obese, i don't have trouble gaining or losing weight if i try hard enough, i don't have a bad body structure and i've still got my body parts, all of them. I feel ashamed for feeling like i'm not feminine just because i wear a small cup size, that i whine about my fatty areas, that i go on about my eczema hurting and making me look less of a beautiful person... My body doesn't make me less of a beautiful person - my brain does for thinking so retardedly. It's stupid. I wish i could drill this into my head and keep telling myself i'm lucky every day. I hate that i spend so much time feeling inadequate, i'm lucky to have this shell i live within, it carries me and protects me, it's had no real harm done to it apart from the harm i've self inflicted upon it.

I'm making it my mission from now on to not bitch about my body or my life, because i'm so young and naiive, i should be looking to the future and living for now. I gave me brother advice for 2 hours this morning and had to be up 4-5 hrs later, but to drill into his head perfection and happiness only exist if you discard them as issues and many other things i told him... It's time to practise what i preach. I am sick of wasting this life.

I've been so focused on rounding up everyone to do something great for my birthday that everyone will love, forgetting how much effort i'm putting in for something that i want to enjoy for one day. It's insane. I want to go to the beach, or get my hair dreaded. Whichever i do will make my birthday great. It doesn't matter who's there with me. I love my friends, but i have them 364 days of the rest of the year as well! :) I'm thinking, if i go to the beach, i want to go with my dad. My dad is the reason why i love the beach; he used to take Sean and i to the beach a lot when we were young. I've finally figured out why it feels like home; because in my heart, it is home. My dad is my world. I'm so proud to know that. Through thick and thin. So i think i shall ask him tomorrow if he'd like to do that. We could take Maria and Phoebe too. I couldn't think of a more suited plan for this birthday. Then i can come home and do something with whichever bestships want to celebrate my coming of being an official adult. A walk would be really nice, maybe some sparklers and some pictures with slow shutter speed of people with sparklers. And i can get my dreads done with my birthday money on a day i'm free from uni/work.

Sorted.

All this from a chat about life with a friend. Who'da thought it eh. We were talking about how to celebrate life and embrace it, i got home, wrote a change diary on how i'm going to improve my life in the ways of well-being, money, exercise, my uni course, EVERYTHING. We also apologised to eachother for the stupid tiffs we've had over the past couple of years. I love the power of thought, of friendships and of peice of mind.

Life just become sweet again. I feel really really amazing. I've walked around with eyes shut for so long, to feel them open is really blissful. I'm so greatful for everything right now.

Fit, but too expensive:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B002SF69BE/sr=8-48/qid=1256772876/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1256772876&sr=8-48&seller=


Pretty, but too pretty?:

http://www.heals.co.uk/Gadgets/Celia-Birtwell-Alarm-Clock/invt/964793?source=affiliatewindow&utm_source=awin&utm_medium=Affiliate&utm_campaign=93374


Beautiful, but not an alarm clock :/

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Daisy-West-Clocks-Newgate-Mantel/dp/B002SAV2NY/ref=sr_1_26?ie=UTF8&s=kitchen&qid=1256772849&sr=8-26


Too pricey for something i'm only liking because it says covent garden and has twin bells:



http://www.amazon.co.uk/Newgate-Covent-Garden-Small-Black/dp/B002SER9JQ/ref=sr_1_46?ie=UTF8&s=kitchen&qid=1256773462&sr=8-46


I love it, but it may make me crave a relationship, lollll:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Retro-Vintage-Love-Is-Bedroom-Alarm-Clock-Scribble_W0QQitemZ390103539570QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUK_Clocks?hash=item5ad3fb9f72

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120478204072&fromMakeTrack=true&ssPageName=VIP:watchlink:top:en

EDIT: ENDED UP WITH THE CREAM COVENT GARDEN CLOCK :)

Shibbidy wopp wopp... Seeing Ewan tomorrow, reet excited. I love him, he makes my spirit dance, such an uplifting friend to have. And he's gonna play me his new songs :) Cannot wait :D Get to play with his beautiful dreadies too :)

Lectures until half 3 - 4pm, hardly anyone outta my group is going. But i'm still attending, because i want to. In fact, i'm gonna buy an alarm clock online right now so i'm never late getting up ever again. FACT.

Went for a meal tonight at my mum's friend's counrty house, it was lush lush, he made me french onion soup with crusty bread, it was fantastic. I want some mooooore.

I'm in a bloody good mood all of a sudden!

Right, i am going to do some uni work, i can do it. two years is nothing. I'll be fiiiine. If i can get a job i enjoy, it'll work out so well. Fingers crossed for Treds, because i'd love to work with my Treds girliewhirls. They make me laugh lots.

I love this. Being on my own. being able to make decisions by myself. Life is planning out so well. I'm working towards a career, i'm becoming the person i want to be. I may have been side tracking recently, but i really really want this. I love who i am becoming and no-one will stop me believing in myself. I'm confident i'm going to pass this year. I just need to work harder at it. I can do it. I have the resourses and the funds to make this shit happen.

DON'T FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS; CHASE THEM <3

Remember remember remember.

Looking back through all these entries of written, this journal is such a crutch. I need to ween myself off it.

I'm getting so fricking lazy. I just haven't been able to get out of bed recently. I've done no uni work, it's crap. People keep inviting me out and about. I seem to always do it out of boredom. I spend most my time awake, out of boredom. I just sit and stare into space. I can do it for hours upon hours.

I'm getting so bored of things; uni, my job, people, family, hereford. I'm finding less and less reasons to stay. Uni keeps me here because of the money i've accumulated debt wise so far, it's worth it to stick it out and be miserable another 2yrs. Then there's Emilie, because i wouldn't go until she was happy here, otherise, i'd put her in my pocket and take her with me. :)

I've got a lotta love for my bestships, if i didn't have them [Emilie, Jimminy Cricket and Amy] i'd feel more lost than i do now. Eventually friends do leave and tohugh you're still close, it's time to move on. No-one stays around forever. But for now, i love them dearly.

I'm not a permanent person, i'm just not. I crave it, but it's not how i work. I'm everchanging. I'm like the weather, i'm not constant. Things come and go in my life, but mostly they're only here for a short visit. And it doesn't sadden me, i embrace it, i cherish people, things and places more when it's not constant.

I'm comfortable being alone. I could lsoe everyone in all truth and alls it would do is make me stronger. I've got to that point now. Call it cold or what not, but it's true. I'm becoming less of a people person. I have empathy for people, but not a lot else.

I dunno where i'm going with this, haha.

Today i must print contact sheets for my photos, go into town and be sociable and hten read uni books and such.

Can't believe how quickly my hair has faded, but i kinda like it, it's a kinda gingery brown, reminds me of gingerbread and winter, so i can live with that. My hair is actually growing! YEY, Looked at some pics from when i was in Glasgow with pink hair, then soem of the other day, and most my layers are growing out, which means *drum roll*... I can dread up soon :D Well excited, i've missed my dreads so much. I need to decide what colour i want m dreads to be, cuz it's hard to dye dreads - takes ages! When i henna'd mine i had all the grit stuck in them for ages. Eeee, all excitedy. i'm thinkig of doing it slighly, just turn up to work with it all dreaded. Em and i nailed it in one day yesterday. Oooh, i could do it for my brithday :) I'm getting too excited now :D

My vegan Macbeths arrived today :D With a free pair of flipflops, awesomeness. I really love them. The only pair of shoes i've found that i liek in months. Bought some temporary shoes from h+m a few weeks ago, but they're so cheaply made they just don't feel right.

I wanna go to the seaside soon. I'm thinknig maybe on my birthday, gather up some of my close friends and just hop on a train and go :) I can't be bothered to invite lots of people because i only want the important one there. Really i'd just be happy with Em, Jamie and Amy, but i'd like it if Robyn and Kate and the others came along. I wanna take lots pics and such. I don't care how cold it is, i wanna be on a beach on my birthday, end of!!!

I didn't make soup yesterday, bad letters... Might make some today instead.

Didn't go to uni today, eek. I woke up at the time my lecture begins. I think i'm gonna have to quit working mondays. I was shattered. Plus Wilfycat slept in my bed and kept head butting me and waking me up, lol.

I'm thinking i may have a go at making soup. I dunno how, but i've got heart, so i'll try :p

Ordered some new shoes, finally. It's only taken me about 4 months, haha. Pretty vegan Macbeths. Gonna get some skatey type trainers form there when i have used up my leather ones and such, because lotsa Macbeths are vegan :)

My skin is really sore. It went all dotty the other day form scratching in my sleep and now it's all dry and painful. Annoying. A change of lifestyle and job would fix it, but i'm a sucker for pressure. It's ridiculous. I'm stressed to shit most days. But it's how i function.

Really need to sort out what job i wanna do. Got two offers right now. But i wantone mor ethan the other... And the one i want is only temporary at the moment and i wont know until after xmas if there's more to it. The other job is good money, just weekends, but i've never done it, so i dunno how hard i'll find it :/

Need to fix my health again. I had chips from the chippy the other day, a veggie burger from flames, about 6 pernod lemonades, 4 alcopops and about 10 cigarettes. Really awful that i consumed any of that, let alone within aobut 6 hours. I don't even know why i've been smoking or drinking, i can't pinpoint why. I hate it, but i keep doing it and my will power has became unknown. I hate when people try to help me quit because i see it as patronsising and fucking annoying. Encouragement is good, but forced encouragement and stuff, not good. I know if i wasn't working at the pub, i'd have quit drinking again... I'd probably not be smoking either. I know it's bad for me, i know it kills me. But my brain is not even registring the dangers of it all whilst i'm donig it. It's like an aftermath of conscience.

Plan is, get a job that doesn't stress me out, quit drinking and smoking for good, sort out my skin, pass my driving test, save money... Okay i can't think of much else. But yes. I think a job change would do me good. It's just making the decision of which one and when :/

Seriously. What the fuck am i doing?

Is it worth the stress?

2 more years of this. I feel like i'm wrapped in chains.

It's so claustrophobic.

I am stressed to fuck and my brain just doesn't wanna know.

I can't get words to come off any pages and my thoughts have fled my body before i've even had time to consult with them.

FUCK.

Massive failure. Maybe this isn't who i'm meant to be.

Alls i know, is i have tonight to write a proposal for a project for tomorrow and i have to know loads of shit i don't know. And that's only for 1 out 4 projects.

Finally sorted out my uni projects for this semester. Whoop. Exciting, but expensive. Education is a pocket thief i'm willing to allow.

I'm really confused what to do about stuff. Part of me thinks just let it fade out, other part of me thinks do something about it. Both will potentially leave me strapped for cash.

I have a new want in my life. I wanna live in China. It's crazy, but i'd love to do it. If only for 6 months. I just think it'd be great. Fal is more of a permanent want. I know i need to travel. I can recognise i'm happier on the move than sitting still.

I'm buying an old school Nikon on thursday :D

I'm really too sleepy to type any more.

Here we are with burning skin
Where we've always been
And we all collide
In the rising tide
Then weather in the wind

We live our lives
Like hands are tied
And dead in days of dreaming
Embrace the race
Of every days
But forsake the feeling

Are we killing time
While these days unwind?

We can't see past our own sad stories
And wonder what we're missing
We can't see past our own sad stories
And forget how to listen

But did there ever come a time
When things weren't so defined?
We've given new names
To our hopes and our pain
But love just gets harder to find

We wrestle with what we think we should say
And hang ourselves out in the air
But most of the time
I think you'll find
That we're just pretending to care

And it's a crying shame
How we get so trained

We can't see past our own sad stories
And wonder what we're missing
We can't see past our own sad stories
And forget how to listen

We can't see past our own sad stories
And wonder what we're doing
We can't see past our own sad stories
And forget who it is we're fooling

Well, here we are with burning skin
Where we've always been

Next tattoo: Quote from Gia, one of my favourite quotes:

'This is life, not heaven; You don't have to be perfect.'

On my belly, near my hip.

Keeping one eye open is always a good idea. I'm conscious of what is happening. Definitely getting royally screwed over. I'm ademate about it now after giving it thought and many a words and experienced a potential slot of the depth of screwing over i'm in. But i'm gonna keep quiet, find a way round it and not express my feelings on it any longer. It's annoying that so many people read my journal, otherwise i could say. Damn you public Journals, damn you. Guess i'll just consult with Emilie later on.

Uni is going pretty well, overwhelmed to how much uni work i gotta do, but it's all good, i'll get through, gonna have more free time soon enough anyhow, less driving lessons a week now i'm getting better, less extra things taking up my time.

I'm amazed how topsy turvey my life has became, it remains great for a few days, then goes to utter crap for the next few, then it picks up again, then blows all over again. Frustrating to say the least

Two more years and i can escape all this. It's not Hereford, it's the parasites within it i hate. The ones who annoy me on a daily basis. You will not win, i will not stay any longer than i need to. I promise myself that.

Karma's got a lot of debt to pay me. I've been good for so long, it should be good to me now. Karma is going to be in my favour.

Passed my driving theory test today, whoop whoop :) very happy.

I may have slightly ripped some of my my leg from trying to scratch in my sleep. It's hurting. Like stingy owie. I wish i wasn't stressing about this theory test, and work, and uni and driving. :( I stress over too much. My skin has been great for ages and now stress is getting the better of me. And now i'm gonna stress because it'll take ages to heal. I should quit my job really, for both health and morals, but i'll miss the money too much :/

Finally know what to do for one of my projects, but it's pretty epic. Gonna require a lot of time. It's photography, recording, collecting and loads of other things, on top of my usual uni work :/ Stresssssss.

Theory test at 4pm

:/

I've put the pen to paper a hundred times before, i've written song about broken heartedness, song about the war, i know exactly what to write when i'm in tears, i don't know what to write, when you're still here... Amber Rubarth, Song to Thank the Stars. <3

It's scary to know that this year of uni is all about me becoming th efine artist i want to be, when i don't know what kind i want to be :( I still don't understand bits and pieces that are really crucial to bieng an artist, especially a fine artist. It's really hard to figure out. I'm scared to eliminate anything i do. I'm a photograher and sculptor mainly, but i love all the other stuff i do as well, ruling them out makes them feel forbidden. And this saddens me. I need to buy lots of writing books today, as we have 3 projects that run alongside eachother, i also need 3 scrap books for research and write ups. So so much work, that in reality, i'm gonna have to put a lot of friends on hold till xmas, then after that till summer. But i wat to do this, i've come this far and i'm not gonna give it up. Hopefully my stubborness will keep me from failing. I just hope my job doesn't affect my uni work too much, but i need the money, so.

Theory test tomorrow, again, got the day off uni to practise and cram in as much learning as possible :/ Spoke to my lecturer yesterday and he was fine with me ducking out of a day, which is good good. I really want to pass, so much. It would make me so happy.