Change the world or go home...

So looking forward to Wednesday evening, Treds xmas outing; Thai food, then Comedy Club... Awesome <3 So keen. And i have new nice clothes to wear for it :)

Just made porridge and put nuts and raisins in, yummmmy. I need to get back to healthy foods after xmas... Though probably before thhen, as xmas doesn't affect my diet because i can't have any of the unhealthy crimbo snacks. Alls i need is veggies and copious amounts of teas and i'll be happy... Maybe a bit of vegan choc from Aldi. Bless Aldi for having affordable vegan choc, legendary and lush.

Completely loving Jenny Owen Youngs since she played at the Regina Spektor gig. Her voice is very like a lot of people's voices i like.

Today i shall watch filmies, do some writing and research, do some reading, go to work. Fun fun.

Listening to No Doubt, drinking nice tea, house is empty... Love it. With the exception that my nose is blocked and i feel knackered, suppose germs had to catch up with my sooner or later, it's been a while.

Gonna be naughty tomorrow and get to uni after lunch. Firstly, i gotta wait for a delivery from DHL because it's the Tewkesbury depot, as that's where stuff from Hong Kong delivers to. Also, i'm thinking i can get more done at home in the morning, printing and researching. I really should have done work today, but i feel so rough and my sinuses hate me. Just hope Ally doesn't get pissy i'm missing discourse :/ Oh well, it's always cancelled when i am in. Will probably go photo taking after DHL has delivered my stuff. Whoop whoop.

Worky work tomorrow night, booh. If i could afford £100 less per week i would just become unemployed in a shot, i could concentrate more on my art that way, and just being. Oh how i'd love to have more time to do my own art and not just scrape time in for uni work. I know i'm lazy, i'm in no denial of that, but in all fairness, i do a uni course, work 3 nights a week, i'm learning to drive and i'm trying to keep up with my life... I have to let go quite a lot so i don't feel so pressured. I'm thinknig after i've passed my driving, of just saving £100 a week out of wages and living off of my loan. I think it's possible. Summer will be hard, but i'll work something out. And if i lose my job, i'll get a new one... I hope.

I feel really free right now. This week, getting away to b'ham and then to manchester, it's jsut chilled me out so much. I loved going to the galleries i went to at both, really inspired me. I've just gotta work out a way to afford to keep it all up.

Owen's party was fab, but i mean, the next day made me realise i don't wanna return to old habits of drinking, it was a nice reunion of old friends though. There's more to life than alcohol. I think i'm gonna play the quit drinking card again... And the exercise and healthy diet one. The healthy diet and exercise one will have more flex to it because of the awkwardness of getting vegan food at various places i visit and if i get mega hunger feelings at work. But i'll try my best.

Mrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow... I dunno.

What to do. My brain is on autopilot completely...

I am zoned...

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you...

Love that song.

I had a wonderful time in Birmingham; Regina was amazing live, as expected form when i saw her in Glastonbury. Just had a really lush couple of days generally, I literally kicked back and just relaxed. It was just lovely :) Chinese buffet, seeing Davey, German Market, Walkawalking, etc... Big smiiles. We need to do it again sometime.

Now i'm home i'm tensing up again because of all the work i need to get done, meep. I'm thinking if i just have a bath and chill, then do a bit of writing about the galleries we went to in Brum, that'll be sufficient for tonight, yeskie :)

I really cannot be bothered with awkward situations anymore. I'm thinking just keep my head down at uni and only talk to others for critiques and stuff... Kinda applies to people generally. Sick of digging myself out of situations that mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'd rather have my friends and family that i love and the mentors in my life... Screw the rest, they're just the extras of my life. I love the people i love for a reason.

Right, i am gonna buy me a sewing machine. I've said this for seven years now, so i'm gonna do it. I really want an old school Singer machine but it would take forever to make anything large, haha. I'm gonna start making dresses and hopefully other items. Then i'm gonna quit my job and sell them during uni... I wish... But i'll do that if i lose my job next year :)

I'm in a much better mood now than earlier. Fuck love, i'm young, it's cotton onto me eventually.

Gonna design home made decorations for xmas later. Also got the boys coming over later for dinner or if they've eaten, then snacks.

I know people tell me they slag me off and stuff, and i appreciate my friends telling me, it's better than overhearing - like what happened in uni, least then i know where i stand without feeling embarrassed... But i'm beginning to just let things like that slide from now on; i love the boys as friends even if they do say things behind my back. It's sucky, but i know i get ranty about a lot of my friends, so why should i expect others to change their moral and thoughts and such. I choose friends that own strong minds and opinions, i need to accept that things like that will tend to happen. Call me dumb, but i prefer to accept than cause i riot that'll make us angry at eachother for a few weeks and then be dropped after and back to normal, haha... That's what usually happens when i get annoyed with people.

I kinda just prefer sweeping things under the rug and pretending life is sugar sweet, it makes me feel better. You could say i live my life in a naive way, but it's got to feel better than being too suspicious all the time. And i think a positive mind makes for positive living.

I would very much love to be in love... I decided this about 5 seconds ago. I kind of feel that it's not gonna happen for me. I'm a problem solver, i'm the stage just as someone is getting over someone or someone is trying to find someone. I'm not the person people struggle to get over or struggle to find in the first place. It makes me feel sad, but i kind of accept that's the way the cookie crumbles and i should just be pleased that i've experienced love inn it's early stages once or twice. Hrmmm. I know people who pine for me, but they don't want me as in me, they want the me they see, but that's not me. Maybe that's the problem. Everyone assumes i'm someone who i'm really not. I'm a pretty ungrateful person, very self loathing, very depressive, very scared... But people see me as being so sure of myself. I actually just live my life waiting for things to go wrong.

I loathe alcohol, really brings out the worst in me... I feel utterly depressed, haha. My fault. I'm still in a good mood in a way. Just thinking and analysing when i should just go have a cup of tea and some food, think i shall do that now...

Still in a good effing mood... Eff you negative journal!!!

:D

I'm gonna go chop up some veggies and fruit for my lunchy lunch at worky work and then get ready and pick up my photies from jessops :) Then work.. Oh how daytime work is better than night time. Love. It.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :) I'm gonna wear my new lovely bag from Matt. Because it is gorgeous and i loves it. Speaking of which, need to get making presents for him and jennifer...
yeskie.

I love making things. And i love today and yesterday, even though it's gone.

I love my happy mood too; it's been so long sice i felt this genuinely happy, i'm not even fake smiling, it's a genuine beamer established as of yesterday. Whoop.

I'm so tired, but i'm really wired to my computer. I must remember i am working 11-6 tomorrow :/ I keep forgetting. I need to call Katie and see if she's still available, even if not for a party like thingy majigger.

I feel like i am becoming who i want to be. Today was lovely. I was so full of positive energy, my soul felt on fire. I woke up in a great mood, printed all my photos off [memo:-buy more colour ink] whilst having a bath [possibly the lushest and calmest bath in a very long time]. I made breakfast, then my lunch and dinner, mosied on into uni listening to my 500 days of summer ost and the sun was a shining bright in the bluest of skies in a long time[which i think has set off my happy spark]... It was just a perfect morning with no pressures and no bad vibes. I was prepared for everything today.

I LOVE who i am really when it comes to uni; obviously stressy me is not good, but to be fair, bullying is not nice, especially as an adult. But all that aside, how i was today set that passion i have for the art world back in my head and heart. I went out and took more photos too. I had a wonderful tutorial with my one tutor Lee. He totally gets it. It's so reaffirming when someone so well balanced in the art world loves your concepts and ideas, and gets you :) An exhibiting artist/curator/lecturer/dr of arts - saying such wonderful things about my art was music to my ears. I've refused myself good credit for this whole project so far; i have a habit of belittling myself... But i can finally see how well i am doing. And it makes me so effing happy. I've got so many photos that i'm gonna have to start displaying them in another room or the corridor, haha... And i'm not short of wall space. I am massive smile face currently. I love it. I'm in such a silly mood right now, i wish i had someone to have fun with right now, just run around the fields shouting and laughing and playing; i would love it. These days everyone sleeps :p Tomorrow eve i am free to do as i please, energy wise. I wanna do something fun. I must call Katie before work - She's very good feelgood criteria... I feel i've bummed her out a bit recently because of stressing over my nothings. I owe her a bit of sunshine and crazyness :) Speaking of crazyness, i got a belated birthday present this eve after work.. It's only my bloody favourite bag off of etsy.com :D Ruddy expensive, but sheerly beautiful in every way a bag could be, especially once i add a button to it :)I'm usually a made presents lover, but to be fair to him, he knew i loved it and it is a made bag by a young infamous fashion artist, so i'll let it slide. I was like a child when i opened it :) I love gifts; it sounds silly, but giving or receiving gifts makes me so happy. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the knowing that people think of you and htat you think of them also. Who knows.

I love this high i'm on. It feels like sadness doesn't actually exist right now, even when i think of something sad. It's strange how opposite my moods are. I think i shall have some beautifully amazing dreams tonight.

:D

I may feel alone most of the time and wish i had someone for those few hours in the night, but i am so surrounded by my own positive energy right now... And right now... Somebody, whoever somebody would be, doesn't matter.

Feel the happiness people, i haven't felt this great in quite a while.

I've had a lush evening on my own, i slept, then made soup, listened to the 500 Days of Summer OST on repeat and now i'm watching new Scrubs. I spend so much time wanting to be around people that i miss out me time. I think i never used to appreciate me time because i never really had a busy life. But now i do uni and driving as well as working and other stuff, it's like i'm grateful when i get time to myself.

I have really missed hanging out with people properly this week, because every time i have, i've been down about something and it's ruined our time.

I'm shattered. I worked so hard last night and this morning to do my essay and research and notes... I did basically fit a month's worth into less than 24 hours. Super Lett! It's the only was i can seem to work really hard though. I'm a burden and distraction to myself and i will never learn. I wouldn't change it; some of the best artists produced their best work when the whole world was weighing on their shoulders. Still got my powerpoint presentation to do, but i'll do that on Sunday. And my photos and written work i can do in the day time.

I really need a schedule or guideline in my life to sort me out weekly.

I will write more later, i really need to sleep for a bit...

waterworks central via my eyes.



... i'm so fucking lost.

A gun to my head would just be the icing on the cake to how stressed out i'm feeling.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >.<

Everything is going wrong, uni is downhill, driving is downhill, work is downhill....

If there is someone puppeteering my life, give me a fucking break, please.

I feel like i'm sat by a log fire throwing in £50 notes. I could be travelling right now, but nooo, i wanted to make a career for myself that i'll be constantly reaching for my whole life at the rate education is going at. FOR FUCK SAKE.

I cannot believe how much stress i feel i am under, it's all too fucking much in too short a time space.

Christmas is officially cancelled, i'm so effin broke. My money for dreads is now going on 10 more hours of driving. Why am i so shit?!

I have an essay that has to be in tomorrow morning and i've not even looked through my research. I have a powerpoint prsentation to make by next thursday, with a script and tonnes of research. My CAD project has to be in soon that i've not even began. And my other projects are suffering. I'm suffering.

I'm in way over my head and i've only just pulled my head out the sand to realise.

I'm going for a bath.

Uni is such a horrible atmosphere at the moment, i feel tense whenever i'm there. It's good to know i will be working from home tomorrow. I know i should ignore bullying at 21, but it still really hurts and upsets me, especially when it's the majority of a room slating you. If it was kids i'd understand. Still can't believe i was crying in front of my tutor, hah. Oh well. I'd reached breaking point. Told my other tutor yesterday about it and she is livid, which made me feel better because i thought i was overreacting at first or i was getting too emotional over it. I'm so glad i have my tutors and a few students to keep me level. I can't believe the thought of quitting entered my mind. I've worked too bloody hard to drop it all now. I'm getting closer to my achievement every day. I just need to keep things in perspective.

The more i talk about my India/China/Japan trip, the more i badly want it. I know so many people that have been and i really want to experience it too. The culture of it all sounds surreal and amazing. If i can save up enough whilst in uni i'm gonna go for it.

Anywho, i'm crammed with uni work tomorrow, so better sleep now.

I need a sign...

That Medium i saw the other month, well without trying to embrace the things she said to me, it's kinda opened my eyes. Self analysis and recent events have also changed my perspective. Something's got to give now. I'm just not sure what.

Uni is everything i should be working towards. Working in the pub is earning me fun money and driving lesson money and eventually travelling money. Currently, neither have made me a smidgen happy. I'm assessing if happiness is crucial right now, or if it should sit on the back burner for another 2 years. I mean, to an extent i am happy, but future wise, i'm an effin shambles. And nothing terrific is really going on right now, nothing coherent; other than education when i can go in without feeling like i'm dragging my corpse in, because it's not just my spirit that's burning out the want to be there.

My goals are two years off, my debts are increasing, there are other things to, but this entry is not just a rantathon about how hard done by i am. I'm not wanting a boo hoo letter to myself. I'm just arguing with my personalities is all. Toying with ideas. Not really thinking what i'm writing, just writing, yanno.

Fuck it, i'm tired, i'll argue more in my sleep.

haha...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uSw8XcWihs

They say the world must end somehow,
They say the end's not far from now;
I think they're wrong,
Don't worry your life away,
Start living for today,
Don't think about tomorrow.

And if the lights go out on all of us,
In just a year or two.
And if the sky falls down like pouring rain,
Then I'll be here with you.
I'll go down with you.

Well I'm gonna try for all I'm worth,
To stay with you till the end of the earth.
Don't let me down,
Don't let your feelings win.
Don't give out, and don't give in,
Don't think about tomorrow.

Cause if the lights go out on all of us,
In just a year or two.
And if the sky falls down like pouring rain,
Then I'll be here with you.
I'll go down with you.

And if the lights go out on all of us,
In just a year or two.
And if the sky falls down like pouring rain,
Then I'll be here with you.
I'll go down with you.

I'll go down with you

Had a wonderful time in Falmouth; bought pretty things, had yummy food and drink and took lots of pictures... It was well fun. Came home to my dad being really depressed, so sorted him out then went to the barrels, i felt really down after that though and the lack of people made me more down and i just couldn't seem to find the enthusiasm at all after people left to pick myself up. Had an argument with one person who stormed off and i just wanted to go home after that. Em and i stayed for a bit, had a giggle, got a taxi home and i spent the early hours eating indian food, nommm nommm :) Had some truly beautiful presents, i was so pleased, i'm gonna spend tonight moving stuff about the room to make room for my gifts and falmouth items i purchased.

Uni is stressing me out big time, i really cannot hack it. Got a presentation to do next week and i've not started the essay, speech, power point, etc :/ I'm losing heart in it so much. I love art, but i dunno if i can keep on conjuring up reasons asto why i make thing and why i like things. I also have an incapability of doing any uni work.

Sorted a lot out today with a friend about all the rubbish we've been fed recently and had a very honest talk which worked out good for the both of us. I really like just sitting about, drinking tea and chatting for hours on end, good fun.

Dad's taking me for lunch tomorrow cause he's got a b.o.g.o.f voucher for Ask Restaurant, bless... Need to go see if anytyhing is vegan, haha, otherwise it's salad and that's it.

I wish i could do something to help everyone be happy right now. To blank out the sadness in everyone's lives and make them feel happy. Truth be told i'm not the buzzy bright girl i used to be, life has gave me a bitter twist and i spend 12 hrs+ of every day putting myself down if one thing upsets me [usually myself], but the few hours i am happy, i'm ecstatically happy. I'm in a fabulous mood right now. The quality of my thoughts are crisp and fresh and i feel like if i just hold onto something, life will stop spinning on by. So i'm gripping on to everything i can. Because what we have is so effin special. It really is. No matter how shitty the situation, there's always a new day. I'm not at all suggesting the grass is greener on the other side, but that there is still grass on the other side, something to begin again on, which is enough to give me hope.

Listening to some positive Joni Mitchell tunage, thinking what i can do for uni tomorrow, or if i should just do nothing and practise my 3 point turns, parallel parks and reverse parking for tomorrow morning before uni. Hoping my driving instructor lets me drive to Rotherwas to get my phone :/ Fingers crossed :)

Life feels just peachy... If i erase the bad bits temporarily every day, that glimmer of happiness shines out so bright and the issues don't feel bad at all. I'm pretty lucky i can keep my head above water and distract myself.


This week it's my birthday, i'm going to my favourite beach town with one of my bestships and i'm spending the evening with my other bestship and other lovelies. Tomorrow i'm driving then doing uni, then work - so i can't get bored. Tuesday i'm doing uni all day then uni work at night, thursday i'll be at uni all day then doing uni work.. Etc etc. :) I feel much more willing to work now i know i'm gonna start saving properly after i've passed my driving test - hopefully in december? Who knows.

Right, i'm gonna go revise driving and go sleepies :)

I've made up my mind.
I'm going travelling in two years.
A perfect present to myself once i graduate from my degree :)

I did want to move to Falmouth, i still do, but playing it over in my head every day and thinking about travelling, travelling is weighing on the scales a bit better, al ot in fact. I've spoken to people from around the world, people here that have travelled and i've got the itch to do something drastic and new... I'm thinking that's the way to go. It feels really really right. I'm gonna study hard, play light and enjoy my time left in England for now. This has really optimised my day and made me feel i can really appreciate everything around me right now, because i've put a time bomb on it all.

I have my whole life to settle down at a seaside town, i'm not going to be young forever, so i should take advantage and see what i can see now. Yes. I'm so over excited. And now waiting two years is even more horrible, haha.

Summer 2011 - India, China, Japan. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :D :D :D :D :D :D

This is my favourite Coheed song ever. I've just realised i don't have any Coheed albums, weird. Will need to be buying some of those soon.

Work was pretty good last night, i love working with Jed, she's awesome. I wore my comic book tights to work last night and actually styled my hair, check me the hell out, haha. I knew it'd be pretty quiet so I brought sweets into work with me, so we just munched on those and had a laugh. I love it when it's not too quiet, but not too busy.

Need to write a plan of action today: My proposal, my powerpoint presentation, essay, speech, reflective notes, what to do with photography, pp3 notes... So much to do. Social life will have to take a back seat after my birthday. I really am not getting enough done otherwise. Gonna avoid town unless i really have to do stuff. Need to save money after my birthday too.

I'm super keen for next week, lotsa photography, birthday in Falmouth, work's got loads better, uni's loads better, so it's all really really good :) Glad i'm getting along with everyone, i've learnt to bite my tongue better when people annoy me and to keep lots more to myself, but in a good way. Letters loves life right now.

Food shopping and uni work today.

EDIT: peanut butter and jam is so right together, it made my tummy happy. ooh need more peanut butter :)